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"Hated Love"Written By: Emerald Pillow Pairings: 3x4 Warnings: Yaoi, lemon, angst, lanugage Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, but you can
try to sue me, but all you'll get is a cat with a half mask like Trowa
(But, her name is Duo...) Comments: I have a little soft spot for this one.
. .not sure why though. . . Rating: NC 17 Hated Love
I hated him. I hated everything about him. His innocence. How he was so pure. Just the sight of him made me sick to my stomach. Even now as I watch him slumber, I'm filled with disgust. Everything inside me wanted to wake him and take away the one thing that set him higher than the rest of us. The one thing that allowed him on a pedestal that I created and placed him on. Now I wish I hadn't. Now I was filled with the desire to destroy the foundation of that pedestal, and laugh as I'd watch him fall into my reality. I wanted to destroy him. I wanted to take his innocence, his purity, just him, and completely shatter him the way I had been a lifetime ago. Why should he be any different from us? What makes him higher than anyone else? Because I put him there. I allowed him to get close. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have become his friend. Shouldn't have allowed him to become mine. I hated him for it. Why did he have to be so kind hearted? Why couldn't he be cold and heartless like me? It was like this every time I'm near him. I'm filled with so many thoughts of hatred that it was maddening. Worst yet was the fact that he was completely clue less. He lived day to day walking around as if he didn't know how perfect he was. Didn't know just how innocent and pure. As if he didn't even know how beautiful he was. Let alone what he did to me every time he looked at me. He wasn't even aware of my being in his room at such a late hour in the night. We've been friends for a while, and all the while he didn't know. Didn't know how badly I wanted to taint him. How much I wanted to turn him into what I've already become. I wanted to fuck him. I wanted to fuck his brains out and force him to denounce the purity and innocence that set us apart. But I didn't. It surprised even me how much I was able to control myself. I couldn't remember when I suddenly became so filled with desires, wants, and needs. I think. . .no. . .I know it was the day that I met him. It was then that I started to feel anything. It's his damn fault. I should make him pay for it, but I didn't. How could I blame him for my being weak? My whole life I was nothing more than an object. Rather it be for sex or a weapon, that's all I was ever recognized as, but he was the first to change that. I've come across many people in my lifetime, but he was the first to ever treat me as a person instead of an object. I hated him for that too. He shouldn't have treated me to such torturous bliss. Presently he stirred and his sapphires opened before me. He stared at me a moment with those big innocent eyes. I forced back my returning urge to stain him. He sat up on his bed and continued to look at me, as if trying to decide if I was really there, or if this was a dream. I didn't give him any more time to ponder as I turned and left the room. I returned to my own room and climbed into bed. With all the thoughts of wanting to ruin him, I had become rock hard. I ignored my own manhood. It was the only torture that I could think of to make myself endure. I curled up in a tight ball and forced myself not to think about him any more. It was then that a thought occurred to me. I should kill him. Only then will I be relieved of my hatred and suffering. He trusted me so much that he wouldn't suspect a thing. I could easily take him, then kill him. Suddenly there was a knock on my door. I knew even before it opened that it was him. He must have finally figured out that it wasn't a dream. Now he would want to know why I was in his room so late. The door slowly opened and he stepped inside, I guess as silently as he could. He walked over to the side of my bed where I was laying and kneeled. "Are you asleep?" He whispered softly. Maybe I was giving him too much credit when I said he figured out. I didn't answer, I just stared at him, wondering how someone like him could ever be a Gundam pilot. He was too soft. "Did I wake you?" "No." "Is something wrong?" "No." I lied to him. I normally did that, and he was so foolish to believe everything I tell him. "Trowa, can I tell you something?" Damn his trust. I remained silent and just nodded. "Trowa. . .I think. . . I know. . . .what I mean to say is. . . ." He stared at me as he tried to form the words that was teasing his mind. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say. "Trowa, I. . ." He gave up on trying to say it. Instead, he leaned over and kissed me. What a fool. He didn't even realize that he was only encouraging his own downfall. He pulled away and tried to look for some kind of response from me. I didn't allow one at first. Let him suffer a little for a change. I couldn't take it anymore. In one swift movement, he was laying on my bed. I was on top of him, kissing him with such force that our lips were beginning to swell. I pinned his hands above his head and began rocking my hard on against him. He didn't resist me. He trusted me so much that he must have believed that I wouldn't hurt him. He was in for a rude awakening. Finally I was going to be able to full fill the one desire that has been taunting me since we met. He returned my kiss with as much passion as I was kissing him from hatred. I rammed my tongue pass his lips and into the depths of his mouth. I began molesting every inch of the oral cavity, and still he did not resist me. He was either really enjoying this, or was really ignorant. I was beginning to believe he was ignorant. Not once did he try to free his hands from my grasp. Our manhood grazed each other, causing a soft moan from him. It was then that I realized he was enjoying it. Using one hand to pin both his slender wrist, I used my free hand to expose him. In a matter of seconds, we were both completely naked. His flesh was flawless. Not a single scratch The sight only made my anger toward him increase. Such skin should only belong to babies, not soldiers. He lived such a sheltered life. I was glad to finally change that. Tonight would be his last night of being a pampered child. Tonight he will be embracing an adult life. A life that is full of pain and heartache. A life that I was forced to face way before I even knew what was going on in the world. My lips finally left his and I began my trail of opprobrium down his neck and chest. Straight to his groin. Without hesitation, I admitted his erection into my mouth and began sucking sharply. My action could easily be confused with affection, but that's exactly what will tear at his heart in later years. He'll blame himself for what I'm about to do to him. He'll analyze this night over and over again. How foolish he was to trust me. Thinking about what he had done wrong and what he could have done to change it. No matter how much he will think of this night, it wouldn't change anything. Of course, I would think about this night too. It will be the night that I fucked an angel into disgrace and onto the front porch of Hell. I, of all people, know how addictive sex and rape can become. I'm a victim of the addiction and have been for as long as I could remember. Now, he will share my fate. I will make sure of it. Under my fake loving affection, I could feel his body tense. I knew he was about to release and so provoked it by enhancing my pace. The entire time he was moaning. He never felt anything like this. He was a virgin. Though he never really told me, I knew he was. I could always tell a virgin just by looking at them, and he was definitely one. I could taste the few beats of pre-cum on the tip of his shaft. Once the bitter taste entered my mouth I decided to have a little fun. I stopped and pulled from my work. I knew that if I had kept going he was going to release any second. A small whimper escaped from him as I stared into his blue eyes. He seemed confused as to why I stopped. Being the wimp he was, he attempted to finish my job himself, but I slapped his hand away. I then gripped his cock tightly and pumped it a few times. I looked down at him with lust hungry eyes. It was probably the only emotion he had ever seen from me. "Trowa. . ." He breathed heavily, wanting more than anything to be relieved. "Beg." I told him firmly and he only stared at me in surprise. "What?" "Beg me for it." I didn't know why, but I just wanted to hear him plead for something. I couldn't wait for when he'd be crying for me to stop. I needed to hear him now. "Trowa. . ." He whimpered again. I wouldn't repeat myself a third time. He knew what I wanted, and if he wanted me to continue, he better full fill my need. The power I was feeling right now was refreshing. For the first time in my life, I was the one in control. I couldn't believe when I saw a playful smile pass over his lips. He continued to stare at me. Obviously he thought that this was some sort of game. Well, if that's what he wanted to believe, then let him. After all, it wouldn't be too much longer before his fairy tale world would come tumbling down. "Trowa I need you! Please! Suck me! Fuck me! Do whatever you want! Just do it now!" It was the first time I had ever heard him swear. It sounded strange coming from him. The word didn't even sound right. As if he, himself, wasn't sure of how to pronounce it. Let alone if he was using it correctly in context. The longer I waited, the louder his words became. I held out until he was practically screaming at me before complying to his plead. A few seconds later, his seed was shot into my mouth. I drank it fully. I hate to admit it, but I liked the taste of cum. It was an acquired taste. I licked away any droplets that managed to somehow sneak pass me. Task completed, I looked up at him. He seemed to have fully enjoyed what I did for him as he looked back at me. His sapphires were so full of trust. So innocent. So pure. So childish. If only he knew of my thoughts. If only he knew what was in store for him. I continued to stare into his eyes as I slid one finger into his rectum. I wasn't planning on preparing him. I was just curious as to how tight he was. Since he was a virgin, he was exactly what I expected. I parted his legs more and positioned myself between them. Just as I was about to enter, I suddenly couldn't move. I couldn't stop staring at him. What's wrong with me? Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I want to hurt him? Make him suffer for all those years he teased the Hell out of me? Why couldn't I do it? What was stopping me? After all, he was the one that came into my room and started kissing me. He was the one asking for it. Wasn't he? Didn't he deserve it? My groin burned with the answer to my question, and yet my body wouldn't cooperate. I studied him, looking for whatever it was that fueled my rage toward him in the first place. I couldn't find it. All I saw was a kind hearted person that has helped me in more ways than one. Someone who was trusting and caring. The only person that didn't want to use me for their own desires. My friend who believed in me. The first and only person that was capable of looking pass my stony exterior to see the real me. Further more. . . .he loved me. I pulled from him. I couldn't do it. I couldn't hurt him. He has never done anything to me except show me kindness. He sat up straight and watched as I dressed. Clearly he was baffled of what was really going on. "Trowa?. . ." I left the room. I couldn't explain it to him. How could I? He followed me, wondering what he did wrong. I refused to answer. It wasn't until we were outside and I climbed into my truck that I risked looking at him. Tears had filled his blue eyes and something inside me stirred. I pushed it away. No. I couldn't handle this now. I don't need emotions. All they ever do is cause pain. "Trowa, did I do something wrong?" "It's not you." I whispered as I stared into those sapphire pools. I never thought it to happen, but it hurt me to see tears in his eyes. "It's me. I don't deserve you." "How can you say that?" He called as I closed the door to the truck and inserted the key. "Trowa, please don't go. I'm sorry. . .we can go back to just being friends if you stay." The tears were starting to spill down his cheeks. "Please, don't go." I wanted to hear him beg, but not like this. This type of begging was like being stabbed in the chest. "Quatre stop it!" I didn't mean to yell, but I couldn't help it. He became silent, like that of a child who was just scolded by his parent. It was the last thing I told him before I left his life completely. I returned to the circus and have been here for three months now. I think about him all the time. So much that it hurts. He came to the show, many times, hoping to talk with me, but I had it arranged so that he wouldn't be allowed to. I didn't want him a part of my life. He made things too difficult. Too hard to understand. This way was easier. Without him, I was able to regain control of my thought and feelings. I returned to my emotionless ways. Every time Quatre came to my mind, I would pay a private visit to the manager. He usually helped me to forget about the blonde haired angel who destroyed and saved me at the same time. It wasn't until I returned to the big top that I realized something. Something I should have recognized a long time ago. It explained why I couldn't hurt him. Why I couldn't stay. Deep down I knew that if I did, I would have turned him into me. He didn't deserve that. He deserved more. . .better. I couldn't do that to him. . . .I love him. . .and it was because of that that I hated him.
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